Friday Night Footy Watchability Index

guywholikessport

1 day ago4 min read

For some reason, we’re back.

Starting with half a round in the northern states is definitionally shooting for the middle as far as possible AFL starting points.

You’re hoping that you start the season with a fart.

Now there are cyclones in the northernmost part of the country and the AFL is getting half a half round.

This version of Opening Round is a shart. Wet, smelly, and dangerous for your belongings.

Anyway, apparently the AFL adopted the motto “the show must go on” and are sticking to it despite rains that would make Noah hurry up on the ark and we’re starting the season with just two games this weekend.

Hopefully this just makes them re-evaluate this Opening Round thing for next year.

It’s okay that the AFL is most popular in Melbourne and that they like the NRL in Queensland. That will probably always be the case.

I can’t fathom how starting the season in Brisbane would dramatically increase northern interest in the league? You’re going to play a heap of games up there anyway, why does the first one make any difference?.

Not for nothing but you have the best ground in the world at your disposal and 10 teams who use it as their home ground. Call me crazy but I’d probably just start the season there.

Anyway, to the point of this piece.

Footy has undergone a number of rule changes over the last five years, all in the interests of watchability. Credit the AFL – unlike Opening Round, they have worked.

Footy in 2024 was as watchable as I can remember. But who, heading into 2025, is the most watchable?

To answer that, I’ve posed simple question: “who are you most excited to watch on prime time, standalone games this season as a neutral?”

To make the gimmick more fun, every team gets a movie comparison. Some of the comparisons might be to the plot of the film itself, the careers of actors and/or directors in the film, while others might be to circumstances around the film.

It’s not a comment on the quality of the movie or the team!

I have imposed a two-sentence limit on myself to make the comparison to keep it snappy.

Let’s get into it.

1. Hawthorn – Anora.

· Sexy. Provocative, and in your face. Sam Mitchell is the unlikeable but undeniable oligarch and the only thing more exciting than Mikey Madison lap dances is Hawthorn’s running game.

2. Collingwood – Heat.

· It’s one last job for a constellation of stars in or just after their prime. They’re ready to pull it off one more time before moving to New Zealand.

3. Fremantle – Basic Instinct

· Incredibly exciting in theory. In practice there’s a non-zero chance you get ice picked to death.

4. GWS – Rocky Balboa

· They have taken a lot of licks and have a lot of scar tissue. Can they get back up again and keep moving forward?

5. Melbourne – Apocalypse Now or Cannibal Holocaust.

· A tortured and torturous off-season where key components sustained bodily harm. Walking in there ready for either a masterpiece or something so grim it’s almost a snuff film with no in-between.

6. Brisbane - The Godfather 3 before anyone saw it.

· Lost a critical component but still enough good infrastructure there to keep people interested.

7. North Melbourne - Iron Man

· Alastair Clarkson is Robert Downey Jr before he got cast as Iron Man. If it’s not going to improve now, then when?

8. Carlton – Wolfs

· Full of great actors with an average script. Their floor is higher than many teams’ ceilings, but it doesn’t make them great watching.

9. Sydney – Saltburn

· The ending has happened too many times for it to be surprising.

10. Western Bulldogs - Babygirl

· Threatening to be seductive but might be verging on a little too late for the key stars. Nicole Kidman and Bont still have it, though.

11. Geelong – Halloween Ends

· Michael Myers has been killed 100 times over 13 movies but keeps coming back. Sounds familiar.

12. Adelaide – Mission: Impossible Ghost Protocol

· A reboot of an exciting thing that got dour toward the end last time out. Have to get risky again and start climbing the tallest buildings in the world to make this worthwhile.

13. Gold Coast – Die Hard

· “Come out to the coast, we’ll get together, have a few laughs.” – Damien Hardwick to Tony Cochrane

14. Essendon – Billy Madison

· Starting later than they should be.

15. Port Adelaide – It Ends With Us.

· More interesting for what’s off field than what’s on it.

16. Richmond – Dead Poet’s Society

· A stack of young people we don’t know anything about yet. At most half of them will work out.

17. West Coast – The Brutalist

· A slog to get through but a genuine star at the centre of it all.

18. St Kilda – The Menu

· On a Friday night watching footy we’re stuck on an island until with them until it finally, mercifully ends. We can only hope that we’re spared by a usually unsparing head honcho.

Friday Night Footy Watchability Index

For some reason, we’re back.

Starting with half a round in the northern states is definitionally shooting for the middle as far as possible AFL starting points.

You’re hoping that you start the season with a fart.

Now there are cyclones in the northernmost part of the country and the AFL is getting half a half round.

This version of Opening Round is a shart. Wet, smelly, and dangerous for your belongings.

Anyway, apparently the AFL adopted the motto “the show must go on” and are sticking to it despite rains that would make Noah hurry up on the ark and we’re starting the season with just two games this weekend.

Hopefully this just makes them re-evaluate this Opening Round thing for next year.

It’s okay that the AFL is most popular in Melbourne and that they like the NRL in Queensland. That will probably always be the case.

I can’t fathom how starting the season in Brisbane would dramatically increase northern interest in the league? You’re going to play a heap of games up there anyway, why does the first one make any difference?.

Not for nothing but you have the best ground in the world at your disposal and 10 teams who use it as their home ground. Call me crazy but I’d probably just start the season there.

Anyway, to the point of this piece.

Footy has undergone a number of rule changes over the last five years, all in the interests of watchability. Credit the AFL – unlike Opening Round, they have worked.

Footy in 2024 was as watchable as I can remember. But who, heading into 2025, is the most watchable?

To answer that, I’ve posed simple question: “who are you most excited to watch on prime time, standalone games this season as a neutral?”

To make the gimmick more fun, every team gets a movie comparison. Some of the comparisons might be to the plot of the film itself, the careers of actors and/or directors in the film, while others might be to circumstances around the film.

It’s not a comment on the quality of the movie or the team!

I have imposed a two-sentence limit on myself to make the comparison to keep it snappy.

Let’s get into it.

1. Hawthorn – Anora.

· Sexy. Provocative, and in your face. Sam Mitchell is the unlikeable but undeniable oligarch and the only thing more exciting than Mikey Madison lap dances is Hawthorn’s running game.

2. Collingwood – Heat.

· It’s one last job for a constellation of stars in or just after their prime. They’re ready to pull it off one more time before moving to New Zealand.

3. Fremantle – Basic Instinct

· Incredibly exciting in theory. In practice there’s a non-zero chance you get ice picked to death.

4. GWS – Rocky Balboa

· They have taken a lot of licks and have a lot of scar tissue. Can they get back up again and keep moving forward?

5. Melbourne – Apocalypse Now or Cannibal Holocaust.

· A tortured and torturous off-season where key components sustained bodily harm. Walking in there ready for either a masterpiece or something so grim it’s almost a snuff film with no in-between.

6. Brisbane - The Godfather 3 before anyone saw it.

· Lost a critical component but still enough good infrastructure there to keep people interested.

7. North Melbourne - Iron Man

· Alastair Clarkson is Robert Downey Jr before he got cast as Iron Man. If it’s not going to improve now, then when?

8. Carlton – Wolfs

· Full of great actors with an average script. Their floor is higher than many teams’ ceilings, but it doesn’t make them great watching.

9. Sydney – Saltburn

· The ending has happened too many times for it to be surprising.

10. Western Bulldogs - Babygirl

· Threatening to be seductive but might be verging on a little too late for the key stars. Nicole Kidman and Bont still have it, though.

11. Geelong – Halloween Ends

· Michael Myers has been killed 100 times over 13 movies but keeps coming back. Sounds familiar.

12. Adelaide – Mission: Impossible Ghost Protocol

· A reboot of an exciting thing that got dour toward the end last time out. Have to get risky again and start climbing the tallest buildings in the world to make this worthwhile.

13. Gold Coast – Die Hard

· “Come out to the coast, we’ll get together, have a few laughs.” – Damien Hardwick to Tony Cochrane

14. Essendon – Billy Madison

· Starting later than they should be.

15. Port Adelaide – It Ends With Us.

· More interesting for what’s off field than what’s on it.

16. Richmond – Dead Poet’s Society

· A stack of young people we don’t know anything about yet. At most half of them will work out.

17. West Coast – The Brutalist

· A slog to get through but a genuine star at the centre of it all.

18. St Kilda – The Menu

· On a Friday night watching footy we’re stuck on an island until with them until it finally, mercifully ends. We can only hope that we’re spared by a usually unsparing head honcho.

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