Watchability Rankings: Opening Round

Footy is finally back!

 

Obviously, you’re going to watch your own team, but what about the rest of the weekend? What should you prioritise?

 

That’s where I’ll come in, ranking each of the games from a neutral fan perspective based on any number of things from the quality of the game, the storylines heading into the game, or if there is a particular player who is absolutely scalding and has to be seen to be believed.

 

But before I get into the rankings, I’m going to write a little column on something at the top.

 

For this week I’ll ask that you all indulge me in some journaling, like I’m a 20-something year old woman who isn’t super into astrology but just knows to avoid Scorpios.

 

Heading into this weekend as a Richmond supporter, it’s fair to say that I feel conflicted. We are playing the against a man that I have put up next to my actual father as the adult upon whom I should model my life and behaviour, Damien Hardwick (outside of my relationships with women).

 

It doesn’t feel comfortable to hate him, or even dislike him. He brought me real joy with those three premierships and with his extraordinary personal metamorphosis. Even though I don’t know any of the key individuals from the Richmond dynastic run, I feel like I know them intimately thanks to Hardwick’s effort to pry open the club walls by force of will.

 

That’s why it’s so hard. 

 

What he did, leaving Richmond, was shitty.

 

In a vacuum, that’s fine. It’s life.

 

But it’s the way he left. He walked out the door with a smile and cited burnout which, as a lawyer in my real life, I am familiar with. I empathised with him and said good for you prioritising your health.

 

Hardwick left Richmond on 22 May 2023. He went on Dyl and Friends to say that he misses coaching on 26 June 2023. 35 days. 

 

It’s pretty quick.

 

He’s the ex who says they want to be single then immediately ends up in a new relationship.

 

So, I don’t hate Hardwick. With the love that I had for him, it would be impossible to shift that quickly. He should get a statue outside Punt Rd.

 

But I don’t love him like I did either.

 

Had he left another way, maybe I would still love him. But he didn’t and here we are. So, how am I meant to feel about him? I’m not sure. How do I feel about him? Conflicted.

 

Movie or show of the week: Season 1 of Breaking Bad.

This is an appetiser. It gives a glimpse into a promising future but doesn’t get close to what’s coming down the pipe.

 

1.     Collingwood v GWS

 

They’ve built the opening round like a boxing or MMA card with the main event at the end.

 

And this one is the sequel to what was a truly great original. The question is whether it will be a heavyweight classic rematch, like Ali v Frazier 3 or a mediocre rematch of a classic original like Canelo v GGG 3?

 

My bet is on the former, with two top tier teams from my Watchability Index earlier this week.

 

Notwithstanding last year’s preliminary final where both teams shut up shop, as so often happens in finals, these are two of the hardest running and most watchable teams in football. There will be a constellation of stars across the park, and the biggest star of them all - Toby Greene - is the headliner.

 

This game is both the best game of the weekend, and the most watchable.

 

2.     Gold Coast v Richmond

 

This game, on the other hand, is the worst of the weekend. Neither team is expected to be dominant, or even especially good. One team is on the come up and one is on the slide, except they don’t look to be meeting in the middle.

 

The Tigers are further down than the Suns are up.

 

So why are they second? Who doesn’t want to see how Dimma goes first up? Every neutral is at least watching the first quarter.

 

3.     Sydney v Melbourne

 

You almost couldn’t pick two more different sides. The Swans confine all storms to teacups. Melbourne doesn’t have any teacups. Only rolled up hundreds and AMEX’s. They react to storms accordingly.

 

This is Batman versus The Joker. Chaos versus control. Order versus disorder.

 

If Melbourne’s captain did his shoulder on Mad Monday the football world would be talking about nothing else. Melbourne power brokers would do interview after interview saying that there isn’t a culture problem.

 

I’ll believe Lee Harvey Oswald was a lone gunman before I believe that Melbourne is not culturally decrepit.

 

Sydney, on the other hand, you never hear about. The injury happened and we have moved on. They’ve declined to provide a running commentary, unlike Melbourne with Clayton Oliver.

 

On the field these are two contenders. Sydney has the best crop of young talent in football and are the most likely addition to last year’s top 4 for mine.

 

Melbourne is a little older but are still contenders even without Angus Brayshaw and without knowing whether Oliver will be the dominant player he has been throughout his career, at least early in the season.

 

This is another early season clash between two contenders, but two contenders who couldn’t be more different.

 

4.     Brisbane v Carlton

 

On paper, this is a more watchable game than in reality.

 

Carlton had a lightning in a bottle run to the prelim against Brisbane last season playing a dominant stoppage and clearance game that hasn’t been successful for at least 8 years.

 

They played Brisbane at the Gabba, and a game threatened to break out at stages before the better team won handily.

 

That’s what will happen here. Carlton is a big club that got lucky last season on their way to a preliminary final, so their fans are excited. By every metric, Brisbane is better than Carlton and they are playing at home.

 

Clearly the least exciting game for a neutral.